I don’t know why this is, exactly, because I’ve seen it in myself and then in people who have almost nothing in common with me. See if this feels familiar…
Someone lets you down. Someone leaves you in the lurch. Someone (or some institution) that should be supporting you or protecting you hangs you out to dry and instead of recognizing that and allowing yourself to feel hurt or betrayed, you turn that energy back on yourself and beat yourself up for having any needs in the first place. You eventually get programmed this way, so that every time something crappy happens to you it becomes habit to turn the hurt right into self loathing. You tell yourself you’re weak for having needs or feelings in the first place.
You’re like an engine. Engines need spark, they need air, and they need fuel. You got that spark, baby. But it matters very much what you take in and whether you give yourself space. Without the correct fuel, (like grace, honesty, communication) you sorta start digesting yourself and destroying your machinery from the inside out.
Needs are just information! Ignoring them or being threatened by them only keeps you from seeing the full picture.
Refusing to see that whole picture creates a hardened, loner, victim mentality. You become resentful of things before they have a chance to disappoint you. You stop trying to communicate your needs because you assume they’re not going to be met anyway, and you live a smaller, duller, less rich life as a result.
All of you matters and all of you has a place in this world. No one but you is responsible for the stewardship of that whole. There is a perfect place for you. All of you.
Tell the truth to yourself. Live that truth. You’re supposed to have needs, and you are not in this alone. xoxo, mt