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One of my favorite parts of online teaching is the chat before class starts. I try to fire up the Zoom a little early to make sure the software isn’t going to give me agita (sometimes it just forgets my login and my face for no reason), and to finish setting up the visual as folks pop on. Sometimes I’m finishing getting dressed or putting something in the oven. We’re all family, it’s cool.
The other day the conversation went to how to deal with situations that are empirically shitty. Like, yes you have options, but there’s no two ways about it, they’re all gonna suck. And I found myself saying, here’s what I do when I am fully miserable. I thought it might be helpful for you.
1) The first thing I do is find a way to let the unhappiness and dissatisfaction all the way in. Just let it in. Allow yourself to fully feel the magnitude of the unpleasantness. Find some moment where you feel safe, some place where you feel grounded, and let the house of cards come crashing down. You don’t have to hold anything up, you don’t have to make this look a certain way to anybody, just go all in on the reality that this hurts. Believe it or not, trying to resist feeling that, trying to protect yourself from it, actually makes it worse. Just let it in. A yoga practice is really good for that. Here’s a 45-minute one that will help.
2) The second thing I do is ask myself, “How am I complicit?” Because while telling yourself it isn’t your fault may seem like it will make you feel better, it doesn’t, because you are left powerless. You’re a victim. If there’s nothing you can do, you’re a victim. But if you can own a piece of the situation, if you can say ok, I’ve been here the whole time, clearly I’m part of the mess, then you have some agency. Something to grab onto. A foothold. And that doesn’t have to mean you’re in the wrong, it just means that at some point your best intentions and your ‘good soldier’ programming blinded you to a different course of action which would have allowed you to maintain your integrity. Recognizing you are a material actor in this world gives you power.
3) I grew up valuing toughness and durability. The ability to keep going got me a lot of praise. I don’t remember hearing the word compassion until I was probably 30, honestly. I don’t remember anyone telling me that maybe things like balance and lightness could be as important as, or part of, excellence. And my experience has been that we tough people don’t know what we want or who we are a lot of the time, because why would we? Having a perspective or an opinion will only make it harder to endure what you have no control over, so it’s quite reasonable to just not form one in the first place.
The third thing I do it try to scrape away the layer of toughness and see what I might actually be feeling underneath it.
4) Finally, I remember “this is water”. It’s here if you haven’t read it. But the short version is, this difficulty is not here for you to just get through so you can get on with life. This is life. This is what you’re here for. To figure out who you are when it’s going wrong. Some people have a hard time seeing themselves when it’s going right. Today, October 15, 2024, I get to be me, sick. Two weeks ago, I got to be me, killing it. Two months ago I got to be me, jet lagged. You see where I’m going? This is what we’re here for. Your job is to get to the root of who you are, what your values are, and then take that puppy out for a spin. There will be rough terrain, there will be lousy conditions, and there are always rest stops available if you have a self-knowledge, self-love practice. This world exists to show you yourself, in all circumstances. So whatever the garbage is, it’s not happening to you, it’s happening for you.
I hope this was helpful, if for no other reason than to be assured that the universe is throwing rotten produce at other people, too. I love you and you better believe I’m in it with you. Xoxo, mt
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